RETAIL PRAYER TO IDJITS

I know. I do. I really do. I understand. I even feel for you, happy and sad. Well, kinda. No, that was a lie.

Dear vacationing customers, please, I'm begging you, enjoy your time off, travel, see things, make memories, but while you're out and aboot (Canada, eh) please stop being so gerdurned stupid. Really.

I know you're happy. I know you've got your costume on, your beach combing khakis rolled up, your loose blue breezy over sized reminiscent of the sky polo shirt on over top your crisp white t-shirt. Your toes are beautifully manicured hanging outta your sandals. You probably still have some sand stuck in between your toes. And your hat. You've always got a hat, big 'nd floppy, or well curved peak of a baseball cap that you work precariously over and over again with your hands. You. You living person of peace, all breathe in and breathe out. You. All family time, all feet up time, Frisbee and campfire, slow to go, slow to decide, yawning in the aisles, you. You've got two weeks this year to live it right. Two weeks to solidify that which grounds your sorry ass the rest of your working like a maniac life. Two weeks to pace life to what it should be. Get the hell out of my way! I've got work to do!

I thank you. I really do. Job security and all. I work in a gift shop and sell you your worry stones that you really, really need, your moose calls, your ice-cream, fudge and fireworks, your campfire sweatshirts, your floppy hats. You pay my bills with your extravagance. You really do. But you know what, you standing there with your hands in your pockets where I obviously need to go, you taking ten minutes to pick an ice-cream flavour while 39 people breathe heavily behind you, you who park on my gardening hose when I have to water the flowers outside AND YOU SEE ME, I KNOW YOU SEE ME! when you want a personal shopper for aunt Margarite and your neighbour who's watching your cat, someone to slip your stinky feet into moccasins, when you want gift wrap and a bow for a $1.99 cheap-ass figurine, you, please stop being so gerdurned ignorant. I'm only a salesperson, yes, and a busy one at that, and you are my bread and butter, but I do have a job to do and it's not to make you feel important. It's to punch $1.99 into the cash and get you outta there so I can put the next person through and all with a smile. I give you my smile. If you'd play by the rules I'd give it so sweetly.

Oh, and if you're buying that cheap figurine for $1.99 it wasn't made in Canada! It was made in China. No one in Canada can make anything for that little. You can't even buy a log for that. And you don't want to pay any more than that because even though you want to look great in your vacation photos, you're still cheap. So, stop being so snotty about it and put your plastic bear in your pocket, skip the wrap and the bow and move your sandals outta the way for the next customer. Why are you all suddenly so confused? Why do you all stand around and block traffic, hang about with your mouths open, stand and poke the fake reindeer head and then laugh when it sings like Billy Bass the singing fish? It's annoying. The fish was annoying. The deer is annoying. And you are annoying, doctor, lawyer, school teacher, electrician, banker, dude. You wouldn't act this way in your place of employment, take huge dumps and block up the toilet and then run away. Would you? Break stuff and hide it? Steal stuff? Demand stuff? Stand about and scratch your ass?

I'm grateful to work. And I'm glad you get time to reconnect with yourself and your families but really, if I see one more person put on a $400.00 fur hat while dripping an ice cream cone down their leg and thinking they're the first person in the world to think of doing this, and oh my, Don't I look so FUNNY! Hey! Take a picture! I think I'll scream.

Enjoy your time off but please, don't stop thinking just 'cause you're off the clock. Happy holidays!

(There, now I feel better.)